Breaking News With Yours Truly, At The not Fake.... Fox News

Special Royal Broadcast from The Not Fake Fox News [Opening fanfare. Princess Perspective enters, tiara slightly askew, wielding a crayon scepter and a microphone.] Hear ye, hear ye! Welcome to the grand debut of “The Not Fake Fox News”—where the news is as real as my royal title and the only thing more dazzling than my crown is our commitment to perspective! Remember: just because I’m telling the truth doesn’t mean someone else is lying. Sometimes, we’re just looking at the same dragon from different sides of the moat. On The Not Fake Fox News, you’ll always get the full fairy tale—complete with plot twists, enchanted metaphors, and the occasional crayon-drawn chart. Tonight’s headline: “Toddler Badges, Crayon Signs, and the World’s Most Unqualified Stalker: An Open Letter to Mariska Hargitay” In breaking news, it turns out all you need to be a “big shot” these days is a shiny star, a questionable sense of justice, and maybe a juice box. Our top story: a stalker—who’s apparently part detective, part playground bully—has decided it’s a brilliant idea to threaten Mariska Hargitay’s kid. We’re told he’s not playing with a full set of crayons, so if anyone has a helmet, please send it his way. Sources say Mariska’s son might want to practice being cross-eyed, just to see every single line of nonsense coming his way. If you could, Mariska, please take some crayons to the news and draw the city a sign—maybe “Don’t Feed the Badge-Wearing Trolls.” And let’s give a big thank you to the stalker for threatening her children, because it’s really helping the case for justice. Mariska, if you’re feeling generous, maybe buy your son a house—remind him that safety should be a right, not a luxury. Plus, real estate is a great distraction from the royal circus. Attempts to deliver this message in person have been thwarted, as government-issued remotes seem to have everyone on mute—online and off. If you’re hearing this, congratulations! You’ve broken the government’s spell of silence and tuned in to the only news channel where the crayons are real, the tiaras are plastic, but the perspective is pure gold. So, for anyone able to pass this along to Mariska—Twitter name Jacqueline Reyas—please let her know: Mama Bear Mode: ACTIVATED. And to the badge-wielding stalker: in the world of SVU, the only thing scarier than a perp with a badge is a mom with receipts. If this gets any more kindergarten, we’ll be recruiting five-year-olds armed with glitter and righteous indignation. Justice will be served—nap time or not. And Mariska, if you have any spare change, our correspondent can’t even afford to pay attention at this point. Stay tuned for more breaking news you can actually believe. This has been The Not Fake Fox News—where the crayons are real, the tiaras are slightly crooked, and the only thing we take seriously is perspective. all right this is my introduction and my first episode I would like you to take what we wrote here and create another episode of the not fake Fox News!